Page 12 - OSG Presents Classic Gamer Magazine #6

I I awoke to a
gruesome
“You’ve been
am
Actiontwin-
kle. I am a outbid” email
and the sight of
soldier in the a ransacked
greatest war “My eBay” page
humankind that detailed in
has ever fought: World Wide Web War 1, or bosses I’ve got to get things done in a timely bloody red characters the folly of my
WWWW1, or WWWWI if you’re a historian. fashion. It’s these types of bitter pills that campaign. Never again would I be able
It’s the web war to end all web wars, and it make war such hell. to relive the family closeness of my
might succeed, considering the whole inter- I think back over this war. It started when youth.
net is folding. I wasn’t drafted; I volun- I became one of the rich young dot com peo- Then there was ‘The Revenge of
teered, although at the time I thought I was ple, although I was a writer so I was a poor Montezuma’s Revenge,’ a bloody six
just filling out a questionnaire about my fa- young dot com person. I worked in an indus- day dig-in that saw my nerves tattered
vorite teen pop band (O-Town). Now that try that hadn’t even existed when most of my and my bids hammered by the forces of
I’m a part of this war I can never turn back, favorite video games were made, and since it JarJarBideoGames. I learned from my
mainly because I owe creditors. You see, existed in a circular nether-world where real- past mistakes, and I hunted the game
Actiontwinkle has a weakness, and it’s ity seemed to have no meaning, I felt I should slowly, watching the others bid too early
called ‘classic games.’ start throwing my money away. After stum- and biding my time as I attempted to
I am on the battlefield, which we dog- bling upon eBay one day, I created a new ‘catch ‘em all’ on my Color Game Boy.
faces call “eBay.” I crouch motionless in my mission to distract me from my ‘job’: I decided At the last second, my computer froze
foxhole between the “Photo and Electronics” to liberate classic games from their oppres- and I sat helplessly watching the Micro-
and “Everything Else.” I am ready to strike sors. soft Explorer world spin as the clock ran
with lightning speed and deadly out and my proxy bids were cut
spend-thriftiness. I will emerge victo- to ribbons.
rious, and poorer. Finally there was the most
Time is my enemy, but at the frustrating battle of my service
same time it is my best friend (which career: ‘The Ballad of Auction H.
reminds me a lot of my second grade E.R.O.’ Activision’s HERO was
pal Andy Jiles; he was my ‘best’ one of the best games ever for
friend, but he would always talk the 2600, and I spent many a
By Colin Mahan
smack about me at the drop of a hat). By Colin Mahan summer day playing it, slowly fal-
Time ticks away at exactly the same ling out of touch with the rest of
speed as it usually does. In short, my peers, isolating myself and
time is an invariable cosmic force that not developing social skills, be-
doesn’t change according to my coming the person I am today: a
wishes. I have trouble understand- fool who still thinks Stallone was
ing this, but I don’t understand a lot of cool with those reflective sun-
things. glasses in “Cobra.” Long have I
My resolve strengthens as I dab searched for HERO, ever since I
some onto the stain in the carpet. It’s had a two-kegger in high school
important to test a small spot for color when my parents went to Tahiti,
correctness. As I wait for the Resolve and some screwjob stole most of
to work, I daydream of revenge my videogames and someone
against silly names: I will outfox GizmoGuy. Some games are easier to free than oth- had sex in my bed. If I could just find
I will outfox NerdYahoo428. I will crush the ers, some opponents are craftier, and some HERO, I felt that it would erase the
life from JoyStikACE35 (sunglasses). My descriptions more meandering and poorly trauma of drunkenly sleeping in some-
Resolve smells good and it really gets those written. Most of the time the games are af- one else’s sex. Alas, my therapy was
high traffic areas. fordable, and when I say ‘affordable’ I mean to not to be, because again I was
I will win this battle at all costs up to 50 ‘exorbitantly priced out of my range by idiots thwarted by someone even dumber
dollars; after that I’m finished. There have who overbid.’ than me, who had more time and
been some cuts in the military budget: I re- I remember the ‘Battle of the Planet Patrol money to waste.
cently lost my job and didn’t find it until I for the Atari 2600.’ This game was a pet of Ah well, the life of a soldier is rough,
spotted it in a security camera video of a mine back in ’82, after I read a review of it in but it’s worth it. If I can be as greedy as
bank robbery on “America’s Most Wanted.” “Electronic Games.” The review mentioned I always fantasized about being when I
Losing my job has put a serious crimp in my that the background cycled through a whole pored over the back of video game
eBay surfing. It used to be that I could go to day before your grandmother came into the magazines, then it all makes sense. If I
work, surf the web, put off my assignments room and said you looked like an imbecile can be an anal-retentive completionist
until the last minute, hastily construct a sub- with your headphones on, mouthing the who has one more list to alphabetize,
par version of something resembling ‘work,’ words to Motley Crue as you twiddled your then my life has meaning. If I can relive
and earn enough to live comfortably while joystick. This was very exciting to me, since my childhood and enforce upon my re-
still wasting a sensible amount of money on up until that time only “Enduro” had dared ality a bubble of mental non-aging, then
luxuries like Vic Morrow head shots from the tackle the ‘day to night’ quandary. I placed a it all has paid off.
1978 Japanese “Star Wars” rip-off bid and foolishly left it unattended while I I am Actiontwinkle. Watch
“Message From Space.” Now, I’m looking shaved my roommates back and fell asleep in for me on the battlefield…as
for a job, and in order to impress possible his piles of lustrous hair. The next morning I soon as I get a job.
Classic Gamer Magazine Spring 2001 12