Page 58 - OSG Presents Classic Gamer Magazine #6

My Life as a real NORAD hacker
-or-
“Hey Buddy! I Got Your ‘WOPR’ right here!”

I I but instead they flew me directly to NORAD. Our tryst was interrupted by Dr. Falken in
am sick and tired of Hollywood stealing my
Hadn’t these people ever seen a James Bond
life and making movies out of it! Every time
his NORAD issued helicopter, complete
I turn around, I find part of my life up on the
Falken got us into NORAD through a
big screen being portrayed by the likes of Tom movie? If you think someone is trying to destroy with logo on the side.
you, you don’t take him into the heart of your
Cruise or some other model-turned-actor. operations. Yet, there I was in the middle of the series of improbable events too compli-
It’s not easy being me. I live an exciting life most important military control center in the cated to get into in this article or a John
and I do things most people only dream of. Or world. Badham movie.
make into a movie. To top it off, they left me alone in the office of There we were, once again in the heart
I think what bothers me the most is how my the director of the computer facilities with his of America’s most important defense
life has been played by such wimps and idiots. computer on! I checked in to see how Joshua structure, running around yelling out to
Particularly by Matthew Broderick. I took one was doing (fine, not that you care). I also stop . . . and they did! No one shot us,
day off in high school and he’s on it like white checked my stocks, and balanced my check- they politely listened to us and took us at
on rice. Ferris who? book (they left me in there for a very long time). our word.
For the record, I dated Sarah Jessica Well, I got caught on the computer by secu- What continued to bug me was that no
Parker first. rity, and they escorted me one at NORAD seemed to be able to fig-
What bothered me most out through the main control ure out the computer was playing a game.
was when he stole a couple of room, where I screamed that It clearly stated this on its only display
innocent hi-jinks in high school Joshua was still playing the panel. And whenever Joshua would call
and turned them into the game, but no one believed me, he’d tell me about the game… and
movie War Games. While me. Maybe it was because I everything else: “Why, why won’t you re-
they followed the truth well, let stole a bunch of NORAD turn my calls? What kind of a game are
me tell you what really hap- pens from the director’s of- you playing with me fella? Only 24 hours
pened. fice. until Global Thermonuclear War! Does
I met this cute girl in school After escaping from the this casing make me look fat?”
by making her laugh when I infirmary utilizing a technique Finally, everyone at NORAD realized
insulted the teacher. She fell I used to call the Joshua was just playing a game. But
in love with me instantly. Her “MacGyver” (using scissors, Joshua still wanted to win and tried to fig-
name was Jennifer and she a tape deck, and a ham ure out the launch codes so he could
looked a lot like Ally Sheedy sandwich), I managed to es- really fire the missiles! Right then I real-
(only with talent). cape the most secured build- ized he was never going to stop calling.
We went to my house and ing on the planet by slipping Joshua, who had been going over the
used my $30,000 worth of in with a tour group from Bir- scenarios for years, still hadn’t figured out
computer equipment to break mingham. In fact, I often es- that war was bad. I decided that I was
into the school computer and cape danger by mixing in just the kid to teach him. No matter that
change our grades. In the with a tour group from Bir- the smartest people on the planet had put
movie, Jennifer left right away, mingham. this computer together and were in the
but in real life she was a tramp and stayed. I I realized Joshua was thinking it didn’t matter room, I was going to teach it.
like the real Jennifer better. if the game was real or not, so I decided to go to The best way to teach him was tic-tac-
In the search for video games on my com- the home of Dr. Falken, even though he’d been toe! Jennifer nodded, “nicely foreshad-
puter, I found a government computer with reported dead years ago. Joshua, while a bril- owed.” Just before it launched the mis-
some cool games listed. I spent the next week liant computer, was also a huge gossip. He siles, the computer became overwhelmed
researching the man who created it, so I could also told me who killed Kennedy… by tic-tac-toe and blew up a bunch of ter-
get into the system to play “Global Thermonu- I called Jennifer from a payphone, using my minals in a way that can only be seen in
clear War.” I know it was dangerous, but Dan- still unpatented “MacGyver” (this time a bottle movies. Wow, I thought, it can handle
ger is my middle name (actually it’s Francis, cap and a little luck and a dime). Jennifer got complex nuclear missile scenarios, but
but Danger is way cooler). me plane tickets to Oregon and met me there! can’t handle tic-tac-toe?
Jennifer came by, and with her plucky What a plucky spirit. We quickly headed off to Well, you probably saw the movie; I
spirit, she helped me get into the system! Lit- Dr. Falken’s island retreat. guess you figured out that Joshua
tle did I realize that I had gotten into the War Dr. Falken loved dinosaurs and kept bad learned. In fact, he said to Dr. Falken,
Simulations computer, nicknamed “Joshua” by stop-action movies in his home to bore guests, “Strange game. The only winning move is
its creator Dr. Falken. I didn’t realize that I had telling them that bees were going to take over. to not play.” And then Joshua asked Dr.
almost started a nuclear war! When I heard He was a complete nut. We even had a conver- Falken about playing a game of chess!
about it on the news, I decided not to play any- sation Jennifer would later call “bad foreshad- He wants to play with Falken? What
more. But soon Joshua was calling me! Like owing” about tic-tac-toe. We, two kids that were about me? He stalks me for weeks and
an obnoxious ex-girlfriend, Joshua kept calling flunking out of school, spoke eloquently about then nothing? The nerve!
and calling. I tried breaking it off, but Joshua the sanctity of life and tried to convince him to In the movie, everyone celebrated. In
would not have it. “Who is she?” he kept talk to NORAD. Falken’s response was that we real life, they arrested me and threw me in
screaming into the phone. “It’s that Jennifer, could sleep on the floor. Ten bedrooms and he jail for crimes against the state.
isn’t it?” offers us the floor. Now let me tell you about my beef with
A few days later I got picked up by the Jennifer and I gave up and left. We decided the makers of the prison drama
Feds! I think Joshua turned me in. Normally, we were doomed; the island was remote and we OZ…
they would take me to a local detention center, were plucky teenagers with raging hormones.
Classic Gamer Magazine Spring 2001 58